Im really excited that I'm going to see JYJ in New York in a few days. Like reallly excited!~~ But problem is that my mom keeps on nagging me how much money it is and how she cant buy any clothes. Like what the hell. I know that we don't have money, but I'm freaking sacrificing my Prague trip money to go see them and there she is, caring about how much MY trip money should be spent on buying HER clothes. And what's more, she keeps on knocking down my spirits. The last time I changed my mind about it was because she made me feel so bad that I just didn't want to go. Now I've decided to go, she's making me feel like going is a bad idea again. Like seriously. What does she want from me!!!!!
And I KNOW I'm an unlucky person. I won't see them up close. I won't be chosen. I won't see them period. I'l probably just hear them in between the screams and whatnot. Yeah, I know, Im a psychic. I know. I am, really. So, I'm not going to expect much except for me wasting my money for some crazy fangirl dream. After this, I'm sure I'll be a normal person. But yeah, I'm still kinda pissed at my mom though. Like really...why can't she just make sure that I'm happy this once. She knows how much this means to me, so why can't she be happy for me too??!!

Maybe I try too hard. I cant write deep shit and have people be awed at it. I feel that I'm shallow. My knowledge of the world is only skin deep. I cant think for myself. I have opinions, but they are childish and foolish. It feels as if I'm losing my ability to think, to be pensive, to simply let my mind wander. It's scary to have my imagination roam, because if i think too of something, I know it won't happen. If I think of a happy ending, for sure I won't get it. Without hope, there will be no disappointment. I get these streaks of depression from time to time where I just kinda cry or do something to make me forget. I dont want to do drugs because I'm scared of the consequences. I wont go around having sex because I dont want to get pregnant. There are so many ways for me to escape, the only thing holding me back is my lack of bravery. I'm too scared. I guess thats also a good thing since it keeps me from trouble. But yeah. I really want to cry. but it seems as if my tears are refusing to come out. You know that feeling when you want to cry but cant so you end up suffocating? Yeah, thats how I feel at the moment. I dont even know why im depressed, I just am.
I would post this up on my other blog, but I'm too scared that my friends will find me a drama queen and wont want to be my friend anymore. I dont know why, but im really insecure about the people around me. Im afraid of losing them. I'm afraid they will one day get tired of me and just leave. I dont want to be alone. I hate to be alone. Its scary to be alone....
Because of this, I feel like I'm hiding a part of me. Well except Kah, she knows some parts of me. I feel safe talking to her because I know she will accept. Not to say she wont judge cause everyone does, but I don't feel exposed when I talk to her. Other than that, I'm scared to share my feelings. I dont want to burden them with my emoness all the time. So for that, I will smile. Even if i have to bite my tongue and hold back the tears, I will smile. Thats the only way for me to survive in this world. To smile.

I wish I could write eloquently to express my feelings.
I wish I could compose music to set free my emotions.
I wish I could sing out my sorrows.
I wish I could dance away my pains.
I wish I could play until I forget my anguish.
I wish I could fight until the pain numbs my thoughts.
I wish I could fly to escape this world.
I wish I could die to stop suffering.
I wish I could wish and have them come true.

Tonight is just one of those days where I feel down. And just goddamn awful.
This probably has something to do with my inability to see JYJ in New York. I felt that it was so close, but then all of a sudden, it slipped between my fingers and floated far far away. And a while before I was listening to DBSK's 4th Live Tour Tokyo Dome performances. Man, they are talented. They have BEAUTIFUL voices. After coming out of the trance, I felt extremely sad. Like why the hell are they not together singing anymore? I miss them so damn much. There is no way I can find another group to replace them. I just cant. It just cant be done. They are too amazing. Damn....I miss them. Miss them...so damn much that I kinda want to cry. But that would be just stupid. Crying over some guys I've known through the computer screen.....so I won't.
At least not now....