Maybe I try too hard. I cant write deep shit and have people be awed at it. I feel that I'm shallow. My knowledge of the world is only skin deep. I cant think for myself. I have opinions, but they are childish and foolish. It feels as if I'm losing my ability to think, to be pensive, to simply let my mind wander. It's scary to have my imagination roam, because if i think too of something, I know it won't happen. If I think of a happy ending, for sure I won't get it. Without hope, there will be no disappointment. I get these streaks of depression from time to time where I just kinda cry or do something to make me forget. I dont want to do drugs because I'm scared of the consequences. I wont go around having sex because I dont want to get pregnant. There are so many ways for me to escape, the only thing holding me back is my lack of bravery. I'm too scared. I guess thats also a good thing since it keeps me from trouble. But yeah. I really want to cry. but it seems as if my tears are refusing to come out. You know that feeling when you want to cry but cant so you end up suffocating? Yeah, thats how I feel at the moment. I dont even know why im depressed, I just am.
I would post this up on my other blog, but I'm too scared that my friends will find me a drama queen and wont want to be my friend anymore. I dont know why, but im really insecure about the people around me. Im afraid of losing them. I'm afraid they will one day get tired of me and just leave. I dont want to be alone. I hate to be alone. Its scary to be alone....
Because of this, I feel like I'm hiding a part of me. Well except Kah, she knows some parts of me. I feel safe talking to her because I know she will accept. Not to say she wont judge cause everyone does, but I don't feel exposed when I talk to her. Other than that, I'm scared to share my feelings. I dont want to burden them with my emoness all the time. So for that, I will smile. Even if i have to bite my tongue and hold back the tears, I will smile. Thats the only way for me to survive in this world. To smile.